I feel that I've been kind of stagnant with my critical theory lately. I suppose one excuse I could use is that I've been trying to catch up with life. And mostly school. A lot of things have changed and I think I've emerged as something more well-rounded and closer to myself than I have felt in 4 years. If that makes sense. But I'll talk about that more in my other blog I guess.
Anyway, I just wonder as some of the things I've done and how that relates to critical theory. I'm sure everyone remembers the Bebot controversy(I use that ironically). Well then I found myself in an Asian American Theatre group on campus. Definitely everything they do is not exactly aligned with feminist ideals. I wonder if people saw the roles I played as sexualized or gendered? I'd like to think not..or at least not without a reason. But the ironic part for me is that I did play a sort of sexualized jazz singer, but it was a good thing for me. Part of that Asian repressed sexuality or whatever..I have never really felt confident in my "sexiness" until I pretended to for that role. So in a weird way the sexualized role transformed me into a better person. How would I respond to the Bebot videos now? I'm not sure. I'd like to think I'd still say similar things.
I also did the Women of Color festival which was kind of amazing. I would never have identified as a woman of color until this semester. Just being around strong and intelligent women is kind of amazing. How is it women feel so disenfranchized? How is it we are present everywhere but so invisible in our presence? Or it seems that women are only noticed if they are playing up their sexuality. But then the idea of being confident in one's sexuality also boosts self esteem- which women (myself included) are woefully lacking. Definitely problems I need to deal with.
So I'm not sure where I'm at in terms of theory. Its weird because people always said I would eventually chill out and become less "fierce" about critical theory. I feel like I am the same person, but a little less vehement and less bitter and angry (in general life). But don't worry I can still get pretty worked up over issues I care deeply about.
I'm probably going to get back to my "intellectual roots" over the winter break when I have more time. I really enjoyed teaching a class this semester and I feel like teaching is going to be a large part of my life. I remember from the class (its a lecture series) that one of the professors said keep earning degrees, higher than a Bachelors- get a Masters or a Ph.D. I'm pretty sure that's where I'm going. But I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. Again yay for senior reflection.
But I don't really mind. The world- as full as it is of shady deals, power plays, disenfranchized and marginalized people, death, disease, and suffering - is still full of hope and possibility. And its funny because no matter where I am I take my activist heart and my need for social change and social justice with me.
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3 comments:
i just had to comment about sexiness, female sexuality, and what was wrong with the bebot mess. our letter, i believe, was not anti-sex. i personally am all for women expressing their sexuality and being sexy and being empowered that way. humans are sexual beings, after all. but what i hate is the objectification of that sexuality, and its expropriation purely and solely for someone else's (a man's) pleasure. that is what we were writing against. there were certainly some very sexual women in the videos, but it sucked that only women of a certain body type even got the opportunity to be sexual. ... anyway, there was so much that was wrong with both videos, and i still feel that even after the "controversy" over it; we pointed out something that is really there in those videos, not something illusory or only about our skewed perceptions. just my two cents.
you know you really explained it well. I agree that it was the objectification of women's bodies that I had trouble with (and also the hypermasculine representations too..now that I think about it- Bebot wasn't a very fair representation of male sexuality either). I couldn't figure out what the difference was, but I think that was the difference in my Theatre Rice role. That it celebrated the sexiness of people whatever body type they were (and in my case my own). I really do feel like I grew a lot and I think it was because there was a more uplifting and positive ideas connoted with women's sexuality in that role that I played. Thank you for saying that because it really cleared up a lot of the ideas I was struggling with.
I just want to say that I don't think you're losing or neglecting your intellectuality. It will always be there. You are just going through a maturation process, you're learning, because different stages, life experiences, and predicaments change how you perceive the world. I think a person's state of critical thinking is always in flux and contingent upon who you are as you continue growing as a person. And change is not necesarily a bad thing, people need change in order to grow.
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